VEIL

May 17th, 2006 by loulandasubacse

Hide not the blatant scar that’s on your forehead

Hide not the pain you shout audible from the fifth mountain

Hide not the despair that scathes your enthusiasm

Hide not your face and let them see it.

Hide not the dreams of a 7 year old child

Hide not the capacity and realization of a young adult

Hide not the cheer and charm that is in you

Hide not your longings of beautiful tomorrow

Hide not the love that you possess

Hide not the brilliance of your pretty face

Hide not …  oh please…

Hide not what I always wanted to see, YOU!

The Myth of Sysiphus

May 17th, 2006 by loulandasubacse

The Myth of Sysiphus

by Albert Camus

The gods had condemned Sisyphus to ceaselessly rolling a rock to the top of a mountain, whence the stone would fall back of its own weight. They had thought with some reason that there is no more dreadful punishment than futile and hopeless labor.

If one believes Homer, Sisyphus was the wisest and most prudent of mortals. According to another tradition, however, he was disposed to practice the profession of highwayman. I see no contradiction in this. Opinions differ as to the reasons why he became the futile laborer of the underworld. To begin with, he is accused of a certain levity in regard to the gods. He stole their secrets. Egina, the daughter of Esopus, was carried off by Jupiter. The father was shocked by that disappearance and complained to Sisyphus. He, who knew of the abduction, offered to tell about it on condition that Esopus would give water to the citadel of Corinth. To the celestial thunderbolts he preferred the benediction of water. He was punished for this in the underworld. Homer tells us also that Sisyphus had put Death in chains. Pluto could not endure the sight of his deserted, silent empire. He dispatched the god of war, who liberated Death from the hands of her conqueror.

It is said that Sisyphus, being near to death, rashly wanted to test his wife’s love. He ordered her to cast his unburied body into the middle of the public square. Sisyphus woke up in the underworld. And there, annoyed by an obedience so contrary to human love, he obtained from Pluto permission to return to earth in order to chastise his wife. But when he had seen again the face of this world, enjoyed water and sun, warm stones and the sea, he no longer wanted to go back to the infernal darkness. Recalls, signs of anger, warnings were of no avail. Many years more he lived facing the curve of the gulf, the sparkling sea, and the smiles of earth. A decree of the gods was necessary. Mercury came and seized the impudent man by the collar and, snatching him from his joys, lead him forcibly back to the underworld, where his rock was ready for him.

You have already grasped that Sisyphus is the absurd hero. He is, as much through his passions as through his torture. His scorn of the gods, his hatred of death, and his passion for life won him that unspeakable penalty in which the whole being is exerted toward accomplishing nothing. This is the price that must be paid for the passions of this earth. Nothing is told us about Sisyphus in the underworld. Myths are made for the imagination to breathe life into them. As for this myth, one sees merely the whole effort of a body straining to raise the huge stone, to roll it, and push it up a slope a hundred times over; one sees the face screwed up, the cheek tight against the stone, the shoulder bracing the clay-covered mass, the foot wedging it, the fresh start with arms outstretched, the wholly human security of two earth-clotted hands. At the very end of his long effort measured by skyless space and time without depth, the purpose is achieved. Then Sisyphus watches the stone rush down in a few moments toward tlower world whence he will have to push it up again toward the summit. He goes back down to the plain.

It is during that return, that pause, that Sisyphus interests me. A face that toils so close to stones is already stone itself! I see that man going back down with a heavy yet measured step toward the torment of which he will never know the end. That hour like a breathing-space which returns as surely as his suffering, that is the hour of consciousness. At each of those moments when he leaves the heights and gradually sinks toward the lairs of the gods, he is superior to his fate. He is stronger than his rock.

If this myth is tragic, that is because its hero is conscious. Where would his torture be, indeed, if at every step the hope of succeeding upheld him? The workman of today works everyday in his life at the same tasks, and his fate is no less absurd. But it is tragic only at the rare moments when it becomes conscious. Sisyphus, proletarian of the gods, powerless and rebellious, knows the whole extent of his wretched condition: it is what he thinks of during his descent. The lucidity that was to constitute his torture at the same time crowns his victory. There is no fate that can not be surmounted by scorn.

If the descent is thus sometimes performed in sorrow, it can also take place in joy. This word is not too much. Again I fancy Sisyphus returning toward his rock, and the sorrow was in the beginning. When the images of earth cling too tightly to memory, when the call of happiness becomes too insistent, it happens that melancholy arises in man’s heart: this is the rock’s victory, this is the rock itself. The boundless grief is too heavy to bear. These are our nights of Gethsemane. But crushing truths perish from being acknowledged. Thus, Edipus at the outset obeys fate without knowing it. But from the moment he knows, his tragedy begins. Yet at the same moment, blind and desperate, he realizes that the only bond linking him to the world is the cool hand of a girl. Then a tremendous remark rings out: "Despite so many ordeals, my advanced age and the nobility of my soul make me conclude that all is well." Sophocles’ Edipus, like Dostoevsky’s Kirilov, thus gives the recipe for the absurd victory. Ancient wisdom confirms modern heroism.

One does not discover the absurd without being tempted to write a manual of happiness. "What!—by such narrow ways–?" There is but one world, however. Happiness and the absurd are two sons of the same earth. They are inseparable. It would be a mistake to say that happiness necessarily springs from the absurd. Discovery. It happens as well that the felling of the absurd springs from happiness. "I conclude that all is well," says Edipus, and that remark is sacred. It echoes in the wild and limited universe of man. It teaches that all is not, has not been, exhausted. It drives out of this world a god who had come into it with dissatisfaction and a preference for futile suffering. It makes of fate a human matter, which must be settled among men.

All Sisyphus’ silent joy is contained therein. His fate belongs to him. His rock is a thing. Likewise, the absurd man, when he contemplates his torment, silences all the idols. In the universe suddenly restored to its silence, the myriad wondering little voices of the earth rise up. Unconscious, secret calls, invitations from all the faces, they are the necessary reverse and price of victory. There is no sun without shadow, and it is essential to know the night. The absurd man says yes and his efforts will henceforth be unceasing. If there is a personal fate, there is no higher destiny, or at least there is, but one which he concludes is inevitable and despicable. For the rest, he knows himself to be the master of his days. At that subtle moment when man glances backward over his life, Sisyphus returning toward his rock, in that slight pivoting he contemplates that series of unrelated actions which become his fate, created by him, combined under his memory’s eye and soon sealed by his death. Thus, convinced of the wholly human origin of all that is human, a blind man eager to see who knows that the night has no end, he is still on the go. The rock is still rolling.

I leave Sisyphus at the foot of the mountain! One always finds one’s burden again. But Sisyphus teaches the higher fidelity that negates the gods and raises rocks. He too concludes that all is well. This universe henceforth without a master seems to him neither sterile nor futile. Each atom of that stone, each mineral flake of that night filled mountain, in itself forms a world. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man’s heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy.

WHIRLWIND

May 12th, 2006 by loulandasubacse

Take me out of this stench

Ride me in your wild

I am in my sunken grief

And people  gnaw their teeth

I can no longer bear the sight

Nor endure the same dim mornings

Take me out of here….

Bring me to the places of wonders

Dance me in your turbulence

Let carry the winds of your song

This body numbed by daily wakings

Rejuvenate this lame me

Have me the taste of true sunlight

Have me the sight of a wonderful sunset….

Beauty that is, if the beholder has eyes!!!

May 11th, 2006 by loulandasubacse

Who would deny that life is not as glowy as it was in our playground many years back. I got off from my work with all my complaints about another day that doesn’t satiate me. I cross the street with an air of confidence… traffic here immobilizes all those fancy cars, ’twas never difficult to get through the other side of the street…. unless cars start hnking and you’ll get startled.

I was greeted by this boy selling sampaguita. The child in me gave in to have a talk with him. He’s skinny. His figure is more like a six years old than that of a ten year old which is his actual age. For whole day, he walks barefooted in the busy streets of Makati, amidst people in their business suits. Perhaps no one ever notice that he is, after all, people here only notice somebody unless they get bumped into each other head to head in the underpass… He made those strings of sampaguita, and sell them for P20. In a day, he could have a P100 pesos out of those. Saying this make me wonder what are the whereabouts of his money for him not to allot for a slipper… and pictures of shanty, of overcrowded room, of stench played in my mind. Yeah, as in  the song "Paraiso"… "matching rags for their clothes, plastic bags for the colds… (houses) made of cardboard roofs and walls."  In other words, that of poverty… Still, he manage to have a wide smile and teased his companion for the holes in his shorts… anyway, young as they are, they deserve such…

Off I go. I opt not to buy a sampaguita from him. I just thought that simple talks like that do not require an exchange… that is a cue from the old beggar who refused my bill after having a talk with her along the dark aisle in Antipolo church… and my, I forgot to ask his name. Maybe I am now numbered among those busy people who always fail to notice…

Then I struggled against the impatient crowd to grab a seat in the jeepneys. Inside, you could hear no one brave enough to talk… Everyone seems to tired to talk… and to listen. Usual you could hear is but the, "nakikisuyo po, bayad po." At lesat that was a courteous  way of saying. Others would simply blurt out in "bayad" as if those siga in the streets. Sometimes though, it would require you much patience extending your hand for those whom you "nakikisuyo" with, care not to listen. Either they are dozed off to sleep (or pretending to be) or busy with their keypads… Wheew! That is what become of us. The human contact was blocked by those inhuman ones whose taglines are "connect lives," "saan man sa mundo." Might be right but hey, human is he who sits beside you…

Of course, I too keep my silence. Or else they would throw coins at me if they’ll not throw me away… for causing such disturbance. Sometimes I hum my favorite songs and find myself singing out the lyrics. At least it is a change for both of us… hehe…

Then you get to wrestle with your tongue to a driver who claims he has already given your change… Hear those PI words from him who curse heaven and hell for situations like that. Care enough to look deeper in him? Yeah, he too is tired… not just for the day but perhaps of this lifetime. Who would not be? Imagine the family he has to fend and the storming rise of the fuel. And if I am irritated by my day while I am working in an air-conditioned room, having my regular meals and coffee breaks, how much more for this man who’s day is spent back and forth the dusty, heavy streets, not considering the inconsiderate sun and sometimes inconsiderate passengers….

So if everyone would just fail to hold on, that jeep would explode.

Then despite, that was still a beauty. That boy with his sampaguita can bring home a bill that would jubilate at least some members of the family. The  driver who bought his sampaguita would smell its fragrance and put a smile on his tired lips… and at least a passenger (it could be you) would notice it… and a heavy day could be light… so goes my thoughts….  And the effect of goodness is very contagious… and I believed one is not calloused enough not to pass the goodness that is done unto him. Consider those ones who returned bags of money to thier owner despite the desperate need to have them… of a mother who adopts an abandoned infant, adding a mouth to feed in an already hungry family than to abort the baby, or even just a thought that many still struggle to survive. Many still choose to live rather than be fatal and jump themselves to death from the nth floor and end it all.

To me, it’s a wonder… a wonder to be awed as of the moment for it might only be for the moment. If not, still it is. At least I get by my days. Many failed to wake up this morning…. And it is always good to sow seeds of hopes than to scatter that of despair.

Qoutes to live by:

"There’s so much beauty in the world that I can’t contain. And my heart gave in."                            –American Beauty

"I’m glad you can now see, for it is really a beautiful world."                                          —THE EYE

Too hard to find sweet serenity…

May 10th, 2006 by loulandasubacse

NOTE: For better understanding, it would require a prereading of Adrian A.’s EXODUS blog… (aa in my friendster friend list)

Yeah, pal, EXODUS is inevitable… and many things changed since you wrote this… many do proceed in ‘next level of formation.” And I’m one of those… onlt that I left before it would end….

Admittedly, I am not as happy and carefree (was I) as before… Don’t you say I regretted my decision for I firmly and honestly say otherwise… Life has just change in a kind that I cannot explain… I like the way it is though… there are mements here in the outside world where I simply wonder at what one is capable of doing and wander at the thought of those thoughts… There are simply moments where disturbance in my serene self find it’s place… Wheew!!!

Very much… I miss my seminary days… but part of my exodus is to endure the scorching heat of the sun, of the thirst in the desert, of everything else whatsoever… But hey, wasn’t I prepared before this sojourn? Were the people I was with haven’t told me enough what would it took me in that exodus? Well, things are as not well as one picture it to be… but neither is it as gloomy…

I remember a spiritual reading book (Little Monk) in my Maryshore years where one ask, “When will God make me strong?” and where one answers, “He has started already, you have to endure such pains first.” They really make sense to me now…
Life is worth embracing with all its bluffs and blows… every experience good and bad…

Despite everything, i remain to be positive. Remember what the butterfly endured in its cocoon? Or how on earth do we get those precious pearls? Yes, through much pains and sufferings…

I don’t suffer much yet but the human in me is telling me I am not in such genuine happiness… and that’s a good thing… I shall know what should I look for as my days unfold….

“One will never know how it is in the highest mountain, unless he has been in the deepest valley.”
- Richard Nixon

Just… in any case…

May 6th, 2006 by loulandasubacse

I just thought of dropping by here and dropping my thoughts… I am but a crazy fool to be wala lang… feeling as if nothing goes on with life… where in fact everything goes on….

i am but a ball of strength… strong enough to contained another that of fear and inhibitions…  but who am i to be taken noticed of…. the world spins… it doesn’t stop for my grief… i can’t even grieve… or show the lavish of my emotions… i have the whole world as my home… i can go by my days in bed shorts and sleeveless while walking along the lucrative malls you’ll ever know…haha… that’s how "at home" i am in this cosmos of ours… with all it’s burgeons… but the world is yet to claim me as his son… my contribution and presence is yet to be noticed….

I want to burst with all my fury… I want to share it with all of humanity… I want a life that truly lives… as humans are capable to… I want to make adifference… I have to… but as if they don’t deserve to received my doings…

My burning enthusiasm for life is killed in this desk… by the thought of so many thoughts of long ago and tomorrow… it squawk with the voices long overdue… they must be heard… but it seems no one has the bionic ear to hear… or they just choose not to listen….

Someday you will see  my brilliance. I promised to the world that I will be of his service… nay for the longings and alienation, nay the scathes of today… of open wounds that refused to be healed, nay for those who mock my face as if I am a stinking corpse of a veteran warrior. 

Someday the world will claim me to be his. And I will be welcome with warm embraces… someday I will finish my niche and taste the comfort of a home… someday i will truly be happy…

Since there are "for nows," and "as of the moments," and the word "wait" is defined in the dictionary, have me the meaning of it… Others might not noticed that they aren’t void of meaning.

Wheew!

May 06, 2006 (workdesk)